fear

Jon and I were told about a month ago, that the kids' (Shon, Cory, and Liv) current caseworker had been transferred to another department, and that we would be receiving a new worker. We were saddened by the news because we love our Lily so much. Lily is much like her name suggests. She is young, excited to work each case, full of smiles and laughter...she is a beautiful person. She loves the kiddos immensely.

After much anticipation, we finally met our new caseworker yesterday. It is hard to describe our new caseworker without sounding a bit judgemental, so I will just refrain from a description. I will say this about her though. She has been with the department for 19 years, and she has incredible amounts of experience. She appears to be very knowledgable about the legal aspects of foster care and adoption, and because of this knowledge, I believe this will be good for our case.

My whole point that I am trying to make with all this is that because of this change in caseworkers, fear has crept in again. Fear is like mold on berries. If not caught immediately, and removed from the fruit, before you know it...the entire basket is covered in fuzz. This is how I feel today. Full of fear, and anxiety, and fuzzy from the emotional roller coaster of fostering to adopt.

My fears started when *Sue told me that she would have to reconsider placing the boys, with family in Texas. WHAT!!! We had been told that the decision to keep the boys with us was already made, but according to Sue, she can overturn that decision if she feels it is in the best interest of the boys. Well of course it is not in their best interest. I mean...come on... we all know that!

So here I am, feeling as sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, and anxious as I did clear back in November, when we were first informed of biological family even existing in the great big picture. Once again, I want to take control and find any kind of negative information that I can on the family in TX, and make sure that there is no way they will get the boys. I have to remind myself-this is not my place.

God's word is very clear: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:6-8

So tonight, I am picking the moldy berries out of my basket, washing the few remaining good fruit, and tearfully praying for clarity, Godly wisdom, self control, peace, and that God's will be done.

*Fictitious name

this is the day that the Lord has made

Sweet baby Liv. She came into this world in February, at just a mere 24 weeks gestation. She weighed 1 lb. 9 oz., and was 11 inches long. Yesterday, we celebrated her actual due date. She is now 40 weeks and 1 day old (corrected gestational age), but by birthdate 4 months old. She now weighs 7 lbs! She is a little miracle. Liv has defied the odds, and we are so thankful for her. Liv is still in the neonatal intensive care unit, and her homecoming day is still unknown. While she is growing like a weed, her little lungs are still struggling.

As I sit in the NICU staring, marveling at her little body, I can't help but have mixed feelings. My heart breaks for Liv's biological mother, who struggles to care for herself. My heart breaks for Liv, and the piece of her life that she will always miss, her twin brother, who passed away at 13 days old. I am amazed at Liv's strength, and determination. The doctors and nurses call her fiesty, but I know that she is more than fiesty. God has great things planned for her.

Our decision to adopt through foster care, has been an emotional roller coaster. To be completely honest, today is a day that I am emotionally tapped out. The tears hit at the drop of a hat, and I can't really explain why. I long for the day that I won't have to drive the 40 miles to the hospital to hold our new little one. I eagerly await the day that the doctors greet us with smiles and tell us she is healthy enough to go home. I am so excited to watch the faces of our 6 other children, our 4 bio kids and Liv's 2 bio brothers, when we walk through the doors of our home carrying their new baby sister.

Today, I am tired, but it is good. Tomorrow is a new day, and my God is faithful, and gives me strength to get through each new day, and each new adventure. I am blessed with 7 incredible kids, and an incredible husband. I am so thankful.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

siblings

Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet

~ vietnamese proverb

Miracles

I am so blessed to be given the opportunity to love this wee one, who is not mine by birth, but by love. I cherish the moments that I am able to sit in the NICU holding this precious baby, singing lullabies, and praying over her. She, along with my other six children, are the greatest gifts I could have ever asked for.

There are some that do not understand why my husband and I would choose to foster/adopt such a medically fragile child, as our own. They ask of us "do you know what the possibilities are for her to have significant developmental problems?", "do you know what you are doing?", "have you really thought about your and your other kids' futures if you adopt her?"

While we understand the concern is out of love for us, we do know. We know that Olivia was created by God, for a special purpose. We know that God gave His son, Jesus Christ, as a sacrifice, for all of us, so that we may have life eternal. We know that this road we are on is not going to be easy, and has already been filled with heartache. We know that each step we take, on this journey of adopting out of foster care, God is with us. I am not standing on my soap box, in judgement of those who do not walk the same path as us. I am not standing on my soapbox thinking that I am better than anyone else. We are all called by God to serve in different ways. This is our calling.

I have many moments of doubt, and ask myself why...why did we do this. The answer lies in the "I lub you mom" that our almost 3 year old says to me, as I pray with him each night. The answer lies in the bear hug from our 16 month old, and the big wet kiss that is planted on my cheek. The answer lies in the love that I see in my four bio kids, as they embrace their new brothers and pray for their new baby sister.

While we have many unanswered questions, and many unknowns in our future, I know that Christ's unending love for us, and His strength will be our strength along this journey. For this, I am so thankful.

Sweet Little Olivia

Heavenly Father,

You created Olivia and knew her while she was in the womb. You loved her before any of us did. I pray that you will continue to give her strength, strong lungs, and that your conversations with her while she sleeps are sweet. Lord I pray that you will be glorified through her amazing story. Amen

For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.
Psalms 139: 13-14

praise You in this storm

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen",

and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

Praise You in this Storm- Casting Crowns

Dear Lord,

My heart is breaking today, as we have been told that we will not be able to adopt our little boys. I am so sad. Thank you for your faithfulness, even when I am overwhelmed by this sadness. Please bring peace. Amen